Divergence

Just some more personal rambling

Read only if you’re totally bored

So the way it works is that, in my mind, I have this vision of the woman I happen to be “seeing” (for want of a better word). When things are good, my mind’s vision and the actual physical woman converge, superimposing each other. When things go bad, they head in the opposite direction. When things end, there is complete divergence. There is the woman in my mind’s eye, as I want her, and as I would like her to see me. And there is the real actual physical person, who no longer has any relation or bearing to the woman in my mind. Eventually, all the memories get blocked out, a few stubborn ones persist, and some crop up at random times – when a song plays, when I drive a little too rashly, when I feel especially sorry for myself e.t.c. All this falls through a sieve, until only those memories which match the criteria defined by the woman in my mind’s eye remain. The result is a little pantheon of women in my mind, which share the same names and physical features as real living beings who’ve basically moved on with their lives. Like the mostly-pathetic person that I am though, I continue to rever the women in my mind, even though they no longer exist as I wish to see them. I don’t think I ever really get over them…

I have a theory, and the theory is that sometimes, there is only 50% convergence, but you keep optimistically hoping that the convergence will increase. In this hope, you spend 6 months, 1 year, 3 years, some people even get married, hoping for a convergence. If you’re lucky, maybe the convergence actually happens, not so lucky, you see the two different images diverging slowly, and realize it’s time to discard the image and “look for a new model”, as Vulturo says.

But how do you forgive yourself for ignoring the fact that from day 1, the images were divergent? That you kept trying to superimpose your mind’s vision on the real person, with usually terrible results. When your brain keeps telling you “these images don’t fit!”, but you keep telling it, “They will, they will, eventually!”. And then one day, you wake up and finally see jusy how far apart those images are. Divergence.

There ya go RTD2, my response to The Milkshake Challenge

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