MBA Essays (Sigh)

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Please give a detailed description of your job, including nature of work and responsiblities, where relevant, employees under you, size of budget, results achieved
Umm, I sit at my desk, browse the web, and cut and paste a few lines of code here and there. There are 700 employees under me, as I am on the 5th floor. Size of budget – what budget? results achieved – still getting a paycheck at the end of month, without having to work too hard for it.

Give a candid description of yourself, stressing the personal characteristics you feel to be your strengths and weaknesses and the main factors that have influenced your personal development, giving examples where necessary
I’m a lazy bastard, that wants to be paid to do nothing, with a really immature sense of humour.
Strengths: Can consume large slices of pizza in a single bite. Can find the choicest porn sites with only simplest flick of the wrist. Can rant and rave about everything and anything under the sun until my face turns blue and I have to hospitalized for electrolyte imbalances (and mental imbalances?). Can drive on the streets of Delhi.
Weaknesses: Too many to name here – but I can assure you that kryptonite is not one of them.
Factors influencing my personal development: Oh oh. Well let’s see, grew up in house with an over-protective punjabi grandma that was really happy to get a grandson instead of another grand daughter – so I didn’t learn to dress myself until the age of about 7/8. Have a mom who is a little weak-willed, but also proceeded to spoil me as much as my grandma, and an elder sister who spoiled me too. So basically I’m an effeminate mama’s boy – but not effeminate enough to be gay – meaning I’m heterosexual but am too gay to get women attracted to me, and too straight to get men attracted to me – now attempting to date eunuchs…. Oh and I think Star Wars influenced/impaired my personal development as well…
Examples: Umm, hello? Didn’t I just say I was a lazy bastard. Examples are for LOSERS!

Describe your two most substantial accomplishments to date, explaining why you view them as such
Accomplishment #1 – I got laid once, without having to pay for it
Accomplishment #2 – I’m still alive?

Describe a situation taken from school, business, civil or military life, where you did not meet your personal objectives, and discuss briefly the effect
Umm, I haven’t met any of my objectives in life….the effect is to make me a negative, cyncial old goat, who gets on the nerves of all my friends, who HAVE managed to meet many of their objectives in life….

Discuss your career goals. What skills do you expect to gain at Very-High-Ranked-Business-School and how will they contribute to your career?
Ok I have no goals, except making lots of money. Well, I would like to own an airplane, and getting laid again would be nice too. Very-High-Ranked-Business-School can help with these in the following way: 1) I may meet a nice single woman in Very-High-Ranked-Business-School who takes pity on me, so she sleeps with me – hopefully, she’ll give an airplane for free too. If not, I can at least graduate, and then hopefully start making more money.

What matters to you most, and why?
Sex. No explanations necessary.

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