The Laws of New Delhi

Hey, this is a shameless rip from the Delhi Times – a supplement to the Times Of India. But I’ve put some effort into typing it out at least (and I wanted it here for easy future reference….)

The Laws of New Delhi
A lot of outsiders feel that there are no rules in this city, and that it’s just absolute anarchy…this absolutely false. Delhi-ites follow a strict code of conduct, which I have documented below:

1. The Other Side Law
If there is a traffic jam on my side of the road, then I am within my rights as a Delhi-ite to start driving on the opposite side of the road.

2. The Queue Nahin Rule
If there is a long queue of people waiting, nobody will notice me jumping it, as I am looking the other way.

3. The Mind Over Matter Law
If a traffic-light is not working on a 4-way intersection, then four cars going in 4 different directions shall be able to magically pass through each other. In some cases this does not work, leading to the Law of Grid-Lock, and in grave cases the Automobile Destruction and Loss of Human Life Rule.

4. The Automobile Direction Axiom
I am not allowed to use my indicators/blinkers to specify which direction I am turning in due to the Official Secrets Act. Further, it’s good to keep the motorists behind alert and on their toes, thus they need to be kept guessing.

5. The Spitting Image Rule
The more I lean out of my car/bus, and the harder I spit/puke, the stronger the roads become.

6. The Theatrical Freeze Law
When my mobile phone rings in a cinema hall, the movie automatically pauses, and the audience takes a breather by listening to my loud voice tell “Bunty” where I’m sitting and what movie I’m watching how crappy it is.

7. The Incest Law
If I want to win an argument, I simply terminate all sentences with SisterFucker(in Hindi). If I’m losing the argument badly, then I use the more high-priority MotherFucker suffix.

8. The Baraat Right
When I am on the road to marriage, “all Delhi roads are belong to me”(sic)

9. The Salman Khan X-Ray rule
If I open enough buttons on my shirt, the hot babe at the bus stop can see through my hairy, Punjabi chest into the depths of my soul

10. The Relative Registration Rule
All motorists are hereby advise to paste the names of their kids/uncles/spouses’ names on the backs of their cars, so that the trailing motorist can know that Rash Driver from Hell (Registration # DL 3CB 7679) is associated with “Honey” and “Guddu”.

11. The JK Rowling Postulate
If I double park my car, the road automatically widens to ensure smooth flow of traffic.

12. The Chill Bill Position
When I park and block somebody else’s car, I’m giving said person a chance to pause and reflect after a long hard day at work, in line with Ancient Hindu and 21st Century Punjabi Principles

13. The Flatulence Fundamental
The louder I burp/fart in a public place, the better the digestion, and overall well-being of my fellow Delhi diners.

14. The Bus Karo Law
If buses stop precisely at a bus stop (or at all, as opposed to merely slowing down near bus stops), the city will explode due to a doomsday device planted by Dr. DelhiLove.

Well there you have it. This being said, Delhi is STILL one of the great cities of the world. Come visit, but when you do, make sure to keep these laws in mind.

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