Here I sit all broken-hearted

I came to shit, but instead, I farted

But now the process has finally started

Poop and bum will soon be parted

(The first 2 lines were written on men;s room wall, so I assume that means they are on a creative commons license. The 3rd and 4th lines are my own little touches, and therefore copyrighted. Can you extend the poem further?)

Where I get philosophical

So basically, I’ve discovered to figure out if one is happy. Huh? Don’t you know when you’re happy? Well see, it’s like this. Happiness is such an intangible sort of thing. Is one happy after having an orgasm? Possibly. After eating chocolate? Probably. Abusing a substance? Artificially. Ok, ok enough of ramble.

Phoenix/TTG’s definition of Happiness

Happiness is being able to say:

I could be dead tomorrow, and it wouldn’t matter me

Yep. That’s it. Anti-climactic, possibly but I don’t think so. Of course, once can criticise that statement and poke holes in it. But too bad. It’s late at night, and I’m too lazy to ramble more.

I am almost whole again

This voice has spent the last 16/17 hours reconstructing his blog. It is almost done. What’s left to do?

• Enable all of the outgoing links, which currently point to an odd place
• Enable the viewing of all the images embedded in the site
• Inaugurate a new design?

One thing that is causing me great regret is that there are 2 posts which seem to un-recoverable. This is a shame. It takes away from my complete-ness. The reason completeness is so important is that I feel as though I couldn’t continue writing into the future, unless I had the cushion of my past. Well, I have it now. Restored to almost full glory.

In other news, unrelated, I have 2 sets of relatives from USA over these days, and we just saw the Academy Awards.

This blog is currently being reconstructed. No apologies for inconvenience caused. Deal with it, BUDDY!

I am an Idiot. What’s New?

So Mr. Pomposity Personified is at it again. Of course, it’s not like I ever expected him to stop…

The Latest Salvo:

All this is very exciting for me. I look forward to boarding the AGV one of these days. But it is also a bit sad. India will never have anything that exciting. India just does not have the imagination. We are quite happy with our trains that do an average of 25 km/hr and our top speed trains average around 80 km/hr. It’s strange that passenger train service began in India over 150 years ago. We are a slow moving people.

If one types the words ‘High Speed Rail Link Delhi Mumbai’ one turns up a number of articles - which talk about that the fact that the Indian Government had proposed to build a high-speed rail link (a la the Japanese Shinkansen) between Delhi and Mumbai, in partnership with the Japanese government.

On conducting feasibility studies, and cost-benefit analyses, this plan was revised and replaced with the Mumbai Delhi Industrial Corridor - it was felt that money would be better spent developing industry and creating wealth than building a high-speed rail line which would probably cost the same as a first class airline ticket, and benefit fewer people than the construction of dedicated freight corridors, and industrial hubs across 4 states. But no. The great God of All Things has spoken. Indians lack imagination.

“It’s strange that passenger train service began in India over 150 years ago. “. No. It didn’t. It began in British India 150 years ago, with the express aim of moving resources from the source of exploitation to a point of consumption. But no. We are a ‘Slow Moving People’.

How does one write two posts on the same subject with opposite points of view?

First you say you’re afraid of the car:

I have been reading about the Rs 1 Lakh (about US$2,500) car that Tata Motors is planning on selling soon.

It scares me witless. ……….

Yes, those cars scare the hell out of me.

Of course, then you also suggest what Ratan Tata should have done:

Ratan Tata is the “leader” in question when he decides that he will make the cheap car. Now he could have led alternatively. For instance, he could have called Mukesh Ambani, Aditya Birla, and other assorted movers and shakers of Indian industry and academia and said, “Guys and gals, let’s figure out what we need to do to solve India’s transportation problems. Let’s do the arithmetic and figure out which way we should go. And having figured it out, we push for that public policy to set that goal.

And then finally, without eating the least bit of humble pie (this would be a very nutritious dish in your case, Mr. Pompous Popinjay), you completely switch your stance:

 In any event, Tata Motors is making a game-changing move and I am proud that an Indian corporation is doing so. Way to go, Mr Ratan Tata. May you succeed beyond your wildest dreams.

Interesting.

Huh?

So this triggered a rant (after a long hiatus).

There are 1.5 million private cars on the road.

- Nice

3 million two-wheelers, a lot of these will convert to cheapest small cars

- How is this a ‘fact about transport in Delhi’? What proof is there that this event occurring is a certainty? Delhi Metro and HCBS anyone?

And only 6,800 city buses.

- Ummm why is there the word ‘only’ in this sentence. One bus can carry say I dunno…50 people? 50 x 6800 = 3 lakh people. If these 6800 buses are all out at the same time, and make multiple trips, that’s a lot of people being transported. How is 6800 a low number? Idiot.

The city adds 41 vehicles every hour, 31% of them being private cars.

- Ok so that means that the remaining 69% consists of non-private vehicles - so that means private cars are not the dominant type of vehicle being sold. So shouldn’t we be worrying about the remaining 69%? Also, 31% of 41 = 12.71 cars per hour. Of course, that’s not what’s really going on, id it? What you did, was take the total number of cars sold in India in a year, and then divided that number by 8670, Clever Dick. This is a common scaremongering tactic, which should be obvious, because cars aren’t sold 24 hours a day. So it’s not like there will be 13 more cars on the street 60 minutes from now. Idiot.

Last 5 years have seen a 43% increase in vehicles, and 9% in road space.

- and what therefore? Roads aren’t manufactured in factories. Were you expecting to see a proportionate increase in road space?

Road area is already 20% of land area. Green area is only 10%.

- Okay so? Of course, this ‘fact’ conveniently forgets to mention that GREEN COVER IN DELHI HAS INCREASED OVER THE PAST 5 YEARS. Would it be better if 50% of Delhi was Jungle? Would that satisfy these morons? Is it possible for the road area to be substituted with Green area? Maybe we turned arid, desert land into road space, genius.

There is a limit in extending roads and flyovers.

- Very good. Have you finally been promoted to Class II yet?

Our collective automobile experience ends with traffic jam.

- Collective automobile experience? Is that like some weird sexual orgy involving cars? Wow, you’re a pervert.

And slower vehicles spew more.

-More bile? Venom? Bananas? This is a ‘fact’?

We should be ashamed that all we gained out of converting public transport to CNG has been offset by rising number of cars!

- It has? Is this another unsubstantiated ‘fact’? CNG helped reduce Acid Rain. That was a big gain. CNG can do nothing about RSPM, which has increased due to the amount of construction taking place in this city.

A car pays Rs 400 a year as tax, while a bus is charged Rs 13,000.

- I’m curious - considering that many of Delhi’s buses are state-owned, how this tax figure was arrived at. Also, smarty pants, there is a tax on Petrol. I’m pretty sure car owners pay for petrol, so the amount of tax paid by car owners will dwarf that paid by buses. Moron.

Government subsidises private vehicles with low tax, cheapest parking lots.

- Please define ‘low tax’. What is a ‘low tax’? And what do you mean cheapest parking lots?

Public investment in roads and flyovers are cornered by private cars only.

- HUH? Are we still speaking English here?

Private cars take up 75% of the road space, while buses get only 8%.

 - I would love to meet the revolutionary mathematician who came up with these numbers. I wonder how they were arrived at. I can guess. Some genius took the number of total vehicles in Delhi. Then they first divided the number of cars in Delhi by the total, and repeated the same for buses. To arrive at a completely meaningless number.

Hence, there is no money left for public transport investment.

- Hence? Is this the same Hence that’s used when lays out a bunch of facts leading to a logical conclusion? Can anybody see any reasoning or logic used in the subjective statements made above?

All these, while private transport only 20% of passengers, and buses still carry 61%.

- So……?

Bravo Tabloid journalist. What an excellent link you’ve sent me.

Two car windscreens smashed, one bribe to the policeman, and broken vase this week. At least I got to work from home. Small mercies….

Lately, there has been a new phenomenon rocking the Blogosphere. It is called….

ME!

Simultaneously, there has been an amateur comedian, going by the moniker “Jagadguru“, being unleashed on the public at large.

Like Niki, of “Heroes” fame, one day Jagadguru looked in the Mirror. And evolution produced his alter-ego, Urugdagaj. Happy reading!

On girlfriends and reminsicing about the naughty 90s…

TTG STATUTORY HEALTH WARNING: This post is a personal ramble more for autobiographical purposes than for winning Booker/Bastiat prizes. Ergo Caveat Lector…

On hitting puberty, I used to fantasise about a lot of women. What a surprise. One could say the first love of my life was Aishwarya Rai. I was 14 at the time the Miss India pageant took place. I remember how gorgeous she looked way back then, and I remember her big fall while she was walking back after displaying the traditional dress. I actually used to keep a photo of her by my physics textbook while studying. One could reflect on one’s childhood and realize what a loser one was (is?). But one won’t. Because, at least I had good taste in my choice of first loves :-). As time progressed, and Aishwarya never asked me out on a date, I moved on.

One day a small woman, with a mousy feel , and lovely olive skin turned up at school - the New Girl, whom I shall call V. She wore one of those summer dresses, white, but very flowery, and had really nice legs. Now there are some women, who just give off the smell of sex. It’s hard to explain, but it’s definitely a phenomenon. When I mean sex, I don’t mean that they’re sluttily dressed or any some such. I specifically mean that they give off a vibe of being very active sexual creatures. Again, I don’t mean slut. Just that she was very sexual. The way she’d move, the way she’d walk. It would just automatically trigger porn movies in my head (and, unfortunately, many other men’s minds too). I get this vibe from certain women. In one case I only got it temporarily from the-woman-who-I-thought-was-my-girlfriend-but-wasn’t for a short period of time. But that is neither here nor there.

This was the first One. And from the moment I saw her, that triggered something in me. So within 2 weeks of her coming to school, I asked her out. It was all very childishly done (I am known for my immaturity), and both of us were all of 17 years old. But we basically started “going out”. This was a very brief period , lasting over a christmas and new year break, during which time Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge released, and I saw it in the Dhillon cinema hall in Chandigarh - it has been replaced by a multiplex called Fun Republic now. (Ja, jee le) Anyways, that brief tryst ended quickly, because I was an ass, and she was an ass too. So we basically didn’t speak to each other for a year or so, which I could document, but do you really want to know about the life of dysfunctional 17 year old in semi-post-liberalistion Delhi? (Rhetorical)

Anyways, time passed and one day I spanked her with a metre stick in Physics class, and we got to talking again. She had started going out with this big, tall, black dude from Ghana, who must have been the original model for the term ‘Barrel-Chested’. Now this, dude, we’ll call him E, also happened to very suicidal, and I used that to my advantage. I became close to E, and he used to pick my brain for info on V. What was she like what does she do e.t.c. So the slimy bastard that I am, I slowly became closer to V, and gave ‘tips’ to E at the same time. Eventually, E’s neuroses came to the surface, and at the same time, one day I bunked assembly with V and have her massage out in the lawn.

So…. she dumped him. And things between me and her started again. They lasted for a while, and life was good (no need for details, I’m sure). Well I guess I could mention we went to Gourmet Gallery in South Ex for my birthday, when it was still called Gourmet Gallery (Now it’s called Cafe Morrison). For those who don’t know, in the 90s, Delhi was experimenting with this thing called Liberalisation. Before the McDonald’s and the Reliance Fresh’s, there were Sticky Fingers Pizzas home-delivered, Peugeot 309s, Pierre Cardin’s flagship store in Lajpat Nagar Ring Road, and Nanz supermarkets in what is now the headquarters of NDTV, the erstwhile Archana Cinema complex. A movie theatre in GK-I. Who knew?

Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, Gourmet Gallery. So, in the spirit of the India of the 90s, some damn fool built 4 floors in South Extension-II, and opened a different themed restaurant on each floor. One of them had Italian food. So me and V went there to eat. We were the only 2 people there, excluding the 7 waiters who kept staring at us…We had lasagna. It was mediocre.

Hmm, what else. Well eventually, I got into Penn, and she got rejected from Princeton (and for some bizarre reason, that’s the only place she ever applied to). So I went off to America, and she decided to take a year off.

 So off I went to Penn. But before leaving, I told her we should end things on a clean note. To which she responded - “How can you just end things. Is this all our love means to you?” and on and on. And, me being all of 17, and extremely dumb and naive about certain things came around. So I left India, still very much infatuated, puppy-loving this woman. In the meantime, the day I left, is the day that a scummy bastard who was friendly towards me, and whom I knew wanted her, asked her out. And she said yes. But she didn’t tell me to stop calling her from America.

Now…one would think.. America. The land of milk, honey and free sex, and free sex involving milk and honey. How could I possibly still be into her? Well there were a variety of reasons, and all them would make this a post about me, not her. And everything revolves around me anyway, so let’s take break from that, shall we? Suffice it to say, that I spent a significant part of Freshman year lamenting the fact that she’d screwed me (in the not nice way). This was also coupled with the fact that America, and my first year in college there really didn’t turn out the way they show you in every movie, sitcom every made in the English-Speaking world. It was a difficult year. In more ways than I can count.

So I suffered through that year, and V went through 2 more men in India….

And then…as I start my sophomore year, I find out she has got admission. To Penn.

To be continued