The First One (part 1)

On girlfriends and reminsicing about the naughty 90s…

TTG STATUTORY HEALTH WARNING: This post is a personal ramble more for autobiographical purposes than for winning Booker/Bastiat prizes. Ergo Caveat Lector…

On hitting puberty, I used to fantasise about a lot of women. What a surprise. One could say the first love of my life was Aishwarya Rai. I was 14 at the time the Miss India pageant took place. I remember how gorgeous she looked way back then, and I remember her big fall while she was walking back after displaying the traditional dress. I actually used to keep a photo of her by my physics textbook while studying. One could reflect on one’s childhood and realize what a loser one was (is?). But one won’t. Because, at least I had good taste in my choice of first loves :-). As time progressed, and Aishwarya never asked me out on a date, I moved on.

One day a small woman, with a mousy feel , and lovely olive skin turned up at school - the New Girl, whom I shall call V. She wore one of those summer dresses, white, but very flowery, and had really nice legs. Now there are some women, who just give off the smell of sex. It’s hard to explain, but it’s definitely a phenomenon. When I mean sex, I don’t mean that they’re sluttily dressed or any some such. I specifically mean that they give off a vibe of being very active sexual creatures. Again, I don’t mean slut. Just that she was very sexual. The way she’d move, the way she’d walk. It would just automatically trigger porn movies in my head (and, unfortunately, many other men’s minds too). I get this vibe from certain women. In one case I only got it temporarily from the-woman-who-I-thought-was-my-girlfriend-but-wasn’t for a short period of time. But that is neither here nor there.

This was the first One. And from the moment I saw her, that triggered something in me. So within 2 weeks of her coming to school, I asked her out. It was all very childishly done (I am known for my immaturity), and both of us were all of 17 years old. But we basically started “going out”. This was a very brief period , lasting over a christmas and new year break, during which time Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge released, and I saw it in the Dhillon cinema hall in Chandigarh - it has been replaced by a multiplex called Fun Republic now. (Ja, jee le) Anyways, that brief tryst ended quickly, because I was an ass, and she was an ass too. So we basically didn’t speak to each other for a year or so, which I could document, but do you really want to know about the life of dysfunctional 17 year old in semi-post-liberalistion Delhi? (Rhetorical)

Anyways, time passed and one day I spanked her with a metre stick in Physics class, and we got to talking again. She had started going out with this big, tall, black dude from Ghana, who must have been the original model for the term ‘Barrel-Chested’. Now this, dude, we’ll call him E, also happened to very suicidal, and I used that to my advantage. I became close to E, and he used to pick my brain for info on V. What was she like what does she do e.t.c. So the slimy bastard that I am, I slowly became closer to V, and gave ‘tips’ to E at the same time. Eventually, E’s neuroses came to the surface, and at the same time, one day I bunked assembly with V and have her massage out in the lawn.

So…. she dumped him. And things between me and her started again. They lasted for a while, and life was good (no need for details, I’m sure). Well I guess I could mention we went to Gourmet Gallery in South Ex for my birthday, when it was still called Gourmet Gallery (Now it’s called Cafe Morrison). For those who don’t know, in the 90s, Delhi was experimenting with this thing called Liberalisation. Before the McDonald’s and the Reliance Fresh’s, there were Sticky Fingers Pizzas home-delivered, Peugeot 309s, Pierre Cardin’s flagship store in Lajpat Nagar Ring Road, and Nanz supermarkets in what is now the headquarters of NDTV, the erstwhile Archana Cinema complex. A movie theatre in GK-I. Who knew?

Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, Gourmet Gallery. So, in the spirit of the India of the 90s, some damn fool built 4 floors in South Extension-II, and opened a different themed restaurant on each floor. One of them had Italian food. So me and V went there to eat. We were the only 2 people there, excluding the 7 waiters who kept staring at us…We had lasagna. It was mediocre.

Hmm, what else. Well eventually, I got into Penn, and she got rejected from Princeton (and for some bizarre reason, that’s the only place she ever applied to). So I went off to America, and she decided to take a year off.

 So off I went to Penn. But before leaving, I told her we should end things on a clean note. To which she responded - “How can you just end things. Is this all our love means to you?” and on and on. And, me being all of 17, and extremely dumb and naive about certain things came around. So I left India, still very much infatuated, puppy-loving this woman. In the meantime, the day I left, is the day that a scummy bastard who was friendly towards me, and whom I knew wanted her, asked her out. And she said yes. But she didn’t tell me to stop calling her from America.

Now…one would think.. America. The land of milk, honey and free sex, and free sex involving milk and honey. How could I possibly still be into her? Well there were a variety of reasons, and all them would make this a post about me, not her. And everything revolves around me anyway, so let’s take break from that, shall we? Suffice it to say, that I spent a significant part of Freshman year lamenting the fact that she’d screwed me (in the not nice way). This was also coupled with the fact that America, and my first year in college there really didn’t turn out the way they show you in every movie, sitcom every made in the English-Speaking world. It was a difficult year. In more ways than I can count.

So I suffered through that year, and V went through 2 more men in India….

And then…as I start my sophomore year, I find out she has got admission. To Penn.

To be continued